Being diagnosed with any chronic illness can be a real shock. Not long after I
was diagnosed with Periodic Paralysis, I began having dreams that I was
having attacks in public places. Once I
dreamed I went into an attack in the rest room at a rest stop in Virginia. Another time,
I dreamed bad guys were chasing me, and I got weaker and weaker then suddenly
found myself riding in a super fast power wheelchair. Another time, I dreamed I
was explaining my condition to a college professor and his entire class. Much
as I love a good prophetic dream, I believe these dreams were just my
subconscious mind coming to grips with my new self image. Until my diagnosis, I
never, ever had Periodic Paralysis in my dreamed. For me, my diagnosis didn't
exactly shatter my self image, but it did give it a good smack upside the head!
For some people, getting a diagnosis really feels like the death
of their old self. It feels like the good Old Self is being replaced by some
bad, defective, inferior New Self. Here I was, having almost-nightmares about
my condition, and I had been sick for
years, and been struggling for a diagnosis for almost a decade! If your disease
came on very quickly, and your diagnosis was prompt, I think the transition can
be even more jarring. I'm sure some people must feel like they can never trust
life again. I believe some people feel like they can never trust who they are
again. Why not? Because if all it takes to revolutionize who-they-are-as-a-person
is a word or two from some doctor, then what are we?
Here's the thing, we've never been very solid. As human beings, we are easily
damaged by everything from lightning, to sun light, to chemicals in the air or
bacteria in the water. From hail storms, to snow squalls, rocks, rock music and
car crashes. The idea that any of us truly has a stable personality or physical
body is mistaken. Don't believe me? How much have your beliefs about the world
changed since you were a teenager? I'll bet they’ve changed a lot. After high
school, did you notice that some of the people you felt were stuck-up and aloof seemed
to grow up and were suddenly much nicer to you? I know I've changed since then.
Do you look the same as you did back in the day? I know I'm a little taller and a lot
heavier! Even without chronic illness, we change. It's the natural course of
events. We all wish it wasn't that way, but it is.
I'm not saying being
diagnosed isn't hard, it can be heart wrenching and sometimes very sad for everyone involved;
I just believe that clinging too tightly to what we used to be can make us blind
to what we might become. I wouldn't wish chronic illness on anyone, but it can
make us more compassionate and more understanding. Our weakness can become a
strength and bring us closer to our loved ones and to others who face pain and
suffering. It can make us more compassionate, if we let it.
We are all fragile.
Those of us living with chronic illness even more so. This process of diagnosis
and mourning our old life means we have a chance to open our eyes and see what
kind of person we will become. I still have days when I'm a raging tyrannosaurus rex,
but it's not every day. We've always been fragile. Chronic illness has just
forced us to face our mortality much sooner and more vividly than most other
people.